<p>Parenting in this digital age can be challenging. We don’t get to set the boundaries and expectations in isolation. Very often kids are dealing with input and expectations from a multitude of sources. As parents and stepparents we are bombarded with so many opinions and sources of information we can get lost and overwhelmed. We can find ourselves in analysis paralysis and unsure as to how best to hold ourselves and our children accountable in ways that are relationship and connection enhancing.</p><p>It’s also not uncommon for children to exhibit some behavioural issues, add in the stressors of trying to balance work, family, expectations and kids can seem like they are out of control. Having parented my own 4 children, and made SO many, many mistakes, I was lucky enough to get a do-over with my stepchildren. I came into step-parenting with a different understanding of what kids need. I had to readjust that when my step-children developed some severe behavioural issues. It was incredibly frustrating to work so hard on getting them to understand boundaries and learn how to navigate our house and then 2 weeks later begin again.</p><h3 id="bb59a6da-cf86-4606-9986-58ff0e4111db" data-toc-id="bb59a6da-cf86-4606-9986-58ff0e4111db"><strong>Punishment does not create sustainable changes in children’s behaviour</strong></h3><p>As I researched more around pathogenic parenting and emotional dysregulation, I began to understand a lot of challenging behaviours are stress responses. Punishment is THE last thing these kids need. We looked at several different parenting strategies and gradually adopted something that worked in our complex situation.</p><p>In our home we are seeking to support our children to become happy and healthy adults. We are not looking for compliance. We are looking for connection. Compliance means that children will do things out of fear; it could be a fear of punishment or a fear of disappointing us. Compliance means the child is afraid to be found out making a mistake. This leads to lying and avoiding being caught.</p><p>Connection means the child is willing to tell us when things have gone wrong, to admit to mistakes or poor choices. Connection means children do things out of an internal desire to maintain connection rather than a fear of punishment or consequences.</p><h3 id="0f9dd162-93ec-4b96-98ff-955f862b9d8b" data-toc-id="0f9dd162-93ec-4b96-98ff-955f862b9d8b"><strong>Asking the right questions fosters connection and accountability</strong></h3><p>These 4 questions will work whether you have children the majority of the time, or part of the time. When something goes awry, sit down with the child and go through these 4 questions. Getting the child to sit down with you calms the situation down. We aren’t looming over them, creating more stress and fear. It signals this is a time to connect and discuss.</p><h3 id="5b17ab52-98b9-43df-805d-33fecc905af4" data-toc-id="5b17ab52-98b9-43df-805d-33fecc905af4"><strong>What were you FEELING when you made that choice?</strong></h3><p>Notice the choice of the word feeling, rather than thinking. Children aren’t thinking when they do dumb stuff, they are all in their feels and not rational or logical. Helping them identify what was going on for them can help them identify their triggers and stressors. It can be like pulling teeth, and a painful process for them.</p><p>It’s ok not to expect an immediate answer. In fact, sitting them down and saying – ‘sit here and have a think about what you were feeling when that happened and let me know when you have an answer’ is a great way for them to sit with their feelings. The first time I did it with my step-son, he struggled so hard. He didn’t want to feel those feelings again, he gave me some random answers that I knew weren’t the truth. When he finally was able to dig deep enough, he had tears and explained he had been jealous. Even adults struggle to identify their feelings at times, and match them with their responses and behaviour. Teaching our children how to do this sets them up to navigate relationships later in life.</p><p>Please note – this isn’t sending kids to their rooms for a time out. I think it’s really important we don’t send kids away when they have made mistakes. Sit them down in a room where you are so that you can maintain eye contact and check in how they are doing with their figuring out.</p><p>The next question is:</p><h3 id="a48dcbc4-e655-4c3f-837d-2afd18598986" data-toc-id="a48dcbc4-e655-4c3f-837d-2afd18598986"><strong>What would you do next time to make a choice that works better for you? What would that look and feel like?</strong></h3><p>This question encourages the child to analyse their role in the conflict or poor choice. What are some of the other ways to deal with their feelings? What choice did they make? Why didn’t that choice work out well? What would be a better choice?</p><p>Followed by:</p><h3 id="859eeb61-da4d-4f7e-879a-28f8bea0c1a5" data-toc-id="859eeb61-da4d-4f7e-879a-28f8bea0c1a5"><strong>What do you need from me to help you make that choice next time? How can I help you with that?</strong></h3><p>This sends the message that the child is not alone in this, they can ask for help. It also gives them the option to brainstorm ideas and for us to give some input if they would like that.</p><p>The final question is</p><h3 id="5ea2fd07-35fe-4c7a-8c98-e5d325cdb9c4" data-toc-id="5ea2fd07-35fe-4c7a-8c98-e5d325cdb9c4"><strong><br>What can you do to try and fix what happened? What can you do to make it up to the person you hurt or the damage you caused?</strong></h3><p><br>The first time I asked this questions, I was blown away by the answer. The 9 year old came up with a solution I hadn’t even considered. It was entirely appropriate and really worked. He had stolen the candy his sister had earned doing chores. His solution was to do chores to earn candy and to give her the candy he earned to replace what he stole. I’ve never seen a kid so happy to do chores. He was so proud of himself, he felt empowered to be able to fix what he had broken.</p><p>Obviously this is not the entire strategy we employed to turn his behaviour around. It was combined with ‘catching him be good’ , a relentless campaign of telling him all of the good choices we noticed and how well he was doing. It works with all 3 very well.</p><p>When we’re on a road trip and they start niggling, I jump in with – Hey you kids have been amazing today! I’m so impressed with how well you’ve done, I know it’s boring sitting there. You’ve been so kind to each other, it’s so great to see. Hang in there, we’ll take a break soon’. Magically, the niggling will stop.</p><h3 id="d52e37cf-f047-4dad-bc80-01a95d0dfa9b" data-toc-id="d52e37cf-f047-4dad-bc80-01a95d0dfa9b"><strong>Reward the behaviour you want to see repeated.</strong></h3><p>If we notice positive behaviour and comment on it, the positive behaviour will be repeated as long as we keep commenting on it and rewarding the child with positive attention. If we consistently comment on negative behaviour, we are inadvertently rewarding the child with attention. They will repeat this behaviour as long as we keep giving them attention for it.</p><p>Recently we had our boy, who is on the spectrum and delayed, go through a phase of lying. Lying to us, to his mum. We tried so many different solutions. In the end I realised we were rewarding the wrong thing. I decided to start <em>Operation Catch Him Being Good</em>. I gently reminded him about the expectations he had missed on his first night. I spoke with him about being sorry about forgetting he needed more help to remember things. We talked about making better choices. He brought up the lying and said he would try not to lie but it was hard because he was used to lying all the time and the lies just came out. We made a deal – if he said he had lied as soon as he told a lie, it wouldn’t count. That seemed to take a huge weight off, we got through a whole week with no obvious lies. He was fit to burst with pride.</p><p>After 32 years of being a parent, the biggest lesson has been that kids respond to love and positive attention for more than punishment and being told off.</p><p></p><p><em>image credit: Image by Pixabay</em></p>

...Connection means the child is willing to tell us when things have gone wrong, to admit to mistakes or poor choices...

Empowering children to learn from their mistakes

Punishment does not create sustainable changes in children’s behaviour

Asking the right questions fosters connection and accountability

What were you FEELING when you made that choice?

What would you do next time to make a choice that works better for you? What would that look and feel like?

What do you need from me to help you make that choice next time? How can I help you with that?

What can you do to try and fix what happened? What can you do to make it up to the person you hurt or the damage you caused?

Reward the behaviour you want to see repeated.

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Empowering children to learn from their mistakes

Empowering children to learn from their mistakes

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