<p>It’s human nature and common sense to reach out and try to find some help. Sometimes that help is sought from family and friends, and sometimes we decide it’s time to call in the experts.</p><p>This is where it can get tricky!</p><p>People might know a lot about their situations, or about other people’s situations. You might even have family therapists who know a lot of families. None of those people are the expert in YOUR family dynamic. None of those people know you and your situation and family members as well and as intimately as you do.</p><p>This brings us to the first thing to beware of.</p><h3 id="41245025-eab2-4e84-82fe-64d8dd95c3a1" data-toc-id="41245025-eab2-4e84-82fe-64d8dd95c3a1"><strong>One size does not fit all</strong></h3><p>Any friend, therapist, or coach who tells you that there is one way to do things right is wrong.</p><p>There I said it. Sometimes coaches and therapists are wrong too. Or at least wrong for your family, or rather not a good fit for the dynamic you are working with. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve spoken with over the years who have been made to feel like failures by well-meaning coaches and therapists.</p><p>There are so many therapeutic models, all of which have their pros and cons. The reasons there are so many is because people are so different and their paths to recovery and happiness are also different. The techniques and suggestions might work well for one person and then not resonate at all for others. A therapist may be an incredible fit for one person and then be a disaster for the next. </p><h3 id="4f8a5a47-b8f0-4064-ae6c-094407dc9fa0" data-toc-id="4f8a5a47-b8f0-4064-ae6c-094407dc9fa0"><strong>If you are looking for professional help, ask questions</strong></h3><p>Look at the initial contact as an interview. Ask about the person’s experience with your type of situation.  Ask how they approach the issues you’re dealing with. It’s also ok to ask about potential hot topics around values. If you have had a termination and want to work through that, a therapist who is pro-life or a conservative Christian may not be the one who can support you best. I am a sweary pro-choice, politically liberal, rainbow supporter who is against hitting children; I am not going to be a good fit for a conservative authoritarian parent.</p><p>This is not about judging people who have different opinions or values, it’s about being realistic about how useful my world view is for people who don’t align with my values. Even though as professionals we are supposed to put aside our personal opinions and values, it’s naive to think these things don’t factor into the client/therapist dynamic.</p><h3 id="24b242b0-b90d-4ca5-ba4d-27443e9b06f0" data-toc-id="24b242b0-b90d-4ca5-ba4d-27443e9b06f0"><strong>If it doesn’t feel helpful and supportive, it probably isn’t</strong></h3><p>Sometimes therapeutic conversations can be confronting. They can be challenging. They can be uncomfortable. What they shouldn’t be is leaving you feeling like you are failing or that you are the problem on a consistent basis. There will be sessions where you might not feel that great afterwards, even my clients have those moments. Those will be a one-off and we will talk through why it felt like that and resolve it the next session. If this isn’t your experience and you don’t feel supported, it might be time to consider another professional.</p><p>We can inadvertently give away our power when we are feeling overwhelmed. Navigating the whole therapeutic dynamic can be overwhelming at times, so it’s unsurprising that we can feel like we don’t know what we’re doing and should just do what we’re told.</p><p>At times, it might be helpful to try something that feels uncomfortable or counterintuitive. If it doesn’t work, it’s not because you aren’t doing it right or there is something wrong with you and your family, it could be because it’s not the right intervention for you and yours at this moment. It might also be that you haven’t understood exactly how it’s supposed to be implemented and might have missed a vital piece.</p><h3 id="270de9d5-35a8-4ea5-920e-b7b2956c5ea3" data-toc-id="270de9d5-35a8-4ea5-920e-b7b2956c5ea3"><strong>It’s important you feel safe enough to go back to your professional and tell them it hasn’t worked</strong></h3><p>Things not working includes you not wanting or managing to engage with a suggested intervention or technique. If I make a suggestion a client doesn’t end up going with, it’s not the client being lazy or not doing their homework, it’s that I have not been able to find an intervention that resonated enough for the client to engage. It’s not time to make the client feel bad about not doing the things we’ve discussed, it’s time to look at what about that particular thing felt too hard or didn’t work.</p><p>In our indigenous language, we have a word awhi. It means to gather in with love, to hold with care. This is how I want my clients to feel when they work with me, it’s the concept and way of being I want them to be able to bring into their families.</p><h3 id="fbde4a67-af88-4592-b70b-f7bbf664a27b" data-toc-id="fbde4a67-af88-4592-b70b-f7bbf664a27b"><strong>If you aren’t feeling held and supported, the expert may not be the expert for you</strong></h3><p>It took several therapists for me to find the person I did the in-depth trauma work with. None of the other therapists were bad therapists. It was a combination of many factors that stopped me working with the previous ones, a major one being that I just wasn’t ready. It’s ok to take a pause and then go back to the therapist or find a new one. <br><br>We can also outgrow our therapists sometimes; or maybe the gap between values and aspiration widens to the point where the work together is no longer as effective. Whatever the reasons, you as the client are the one whose voice needs to be loudest. You need to feel empowered and inspired by the therapeutic process.</p>

There are so many therapeutic models, all of which have their pros and cons...The techniques and suggestions might work well for one person and then not resonate at all for others. 

Beware The Expert – Finding Help That Fits

If you are looking for professional help, ask questions

If it doesn’t feel helpful and supportive, it probably isn’t

It’s important you feel safe enough to go back to your professional and tell them it hasn’t worked

If you aren’t feeling held and supported, the expert may not be the expert for you

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Beware The Expert – Finding Help That Fits

Beware The Expert – Finding Help That Fits

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